Musings on Marriage

Today’s cuppa is a fragrant and delicious Earl Grey from Dilmah on this sunny, early fall day. 

This morning, I am thanking God for my husband, Jim, our marriage and our family. The move from Hot Springs to Raleigh almost eleven months ago has brought into focus the treasure of our adult daughters and their families. While I deeply miss friendships and aspects of my decades of life in Arkansas, the strength and shelter of a loving marriage has surely fortified my heart in this year. 

Jim and I are perhaps the most polar opposite of people. He has files, I have “piles.” He is an internal processor. I have been accused of being “an opinion waiting to land.” We have had our rough patches over this journey of 41 years, learning to communicate, forgive and to complete rather than compete. We are not yet perfect in our union, but thank God we are moving towards each other rather than apart, by God’s grace. We are finding joy in the small things like walking the dogs together and a challenging game of spades. 

About 15 years ago, we met and fell in love with Minh and his wife, Blessing, while serving in Vietnam. We saw in them a purity of purpose in serving Jesus and a deep love for one another. As we got to know them over the years, we shared openly about our ministry and marriage, including both victories and failures. We enjoyed working together to offer conferences and training in their nation. We also spent time over meals and coffee, building friendship and trust, listening to their dreams and rough patches in their relationship. This brings to mind the verse “Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well.” I Thessalonians 2:8

Minh, Blessing and their children

We learned from Minh and Blessing that values of balance in family life and ministry are rare in their nation. Many wives feel alone and children suffer as their fathers place church duties ahead of them. Minh and Blessing committed to do the hard work of listening, talking and working through issues together. Now, they are leading marriage seminars in their nation, embodying the testimony of a flourishing marriage and bringing challenge to church leaders. Their tears and transparency are opening hearts to the Holy Spirit, resulting in conviction, repentance and healing between husbands and wives and children. 

What a privilege that somehow, some way, keys about marriage were “caught” more than taught in our chats with Minh and Blessing and that lives are being impacted through this delightful couple. 

Growth plan for today:

1. Lord, how could I strengthen my mate and my marriage today?

2. Lord, how could I strengthen another marriage today by my prayers or action?

Jim's Thoughts on 40 Years of Marriage

When I heard her pray, I could tell that she knew Jesus intimately and loved Him passionately.

We were in a chapel service of a start-up Christian university. Nancy’s spiritual passion (and stunning beauty!) quickly drew me to her.

In time we discovered we shared the conviction that marriage was only a possibility if we could serve Jesus better as a couple than single. I am also convinced that God created me for life with Nancy and her for me. Our marriage is part of God’s eternal plan for our blessing and His glory. And God plans well. That doesn’t mean it has always been easy.

A young woman whom we love, who knows us well, has often traveled with us for ministry in Asia. A few years ago on a trip in Myanmar, referring to Nancy and me she remarked, “You two are more different than any two people I know.” I don’t doubt that!

Nancy’s article tells some of our story about how that dynamic has worked out. Here are some of my thoughts that complement hers.

I’ve heard a lot of Biblical/theological discussion about the roles of men and women. What is the Biblical role for a husband? What is the Biblical role for a wife? Had we tried to follow the popular guidelines I think our marriage, and for sure our fruitfulness in the kingdom, would have been shipwrecked. We just don’t fit the stereotypes.

I think a better approach is to ask, “What gifts has God given?” I say that because God has given Nancy gifts that are not usually ascribed to the “role” of a wife. Nancy is a visionary and an initiator who can see and create what God wants to happen. An experienced missionary speaking of spiritual vision said, “Those who see the invisible can do the impossible.” God has created us to partner together in these faith ventures. Over the years (and none too quickly), I’ve learned to trust and appreciate Nancy’s gifts and contribute to the process in the areas of my gifts.

Nancy & Jim

Our life and ministry together, by the power of the Holy Spirit is more than the sum of the parts. We bring our fish and loaves and Jesus brings His blessings, multiplies the resources and “feeds the multitudes.”

Now don’t get the idea that our relationship is only a functional strategy to extend the kingdom. For sure, by God’s grace, that happens (and I’m in awe when I see God at work). Loving Nancy is, for me, a source of joy and completion. She is an example of generous, compassionate love to me. I am loved in a way I never dreamed was possible. I look forward to our love growing in the years to come.

-Jim

Nancy's Thoughts on 40 Years of Marriage and Ministry

"O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt His Name together" Psalm 34:3

These words of exhortation adorned our wedding invitation and program. Jim and I chose this verse to represent our prayer and belief that we could serve God better as a couple than as two single people. When we met in graduate school, we each were committed followers of Jesus, pursuing education to equip ourselves for greater service to the Lord. We were the last people looking to find a mate, but God had other plans. Drawn by a desire to pray together for the spiritual life of our student body, we grew more and more comfortable with each other. We realized that ours was more than a prayer partner interest. After a few tumultuous months of engagement, we married on May 26, 1979. Two strong and independent followers of Jesus had a lot to learn about becoming one.

Nancy & Jim cutting the cake at their wedding

Jim and I are polar opposites in every aspect of the personality spectrum. I am an extrovert, he is an introvert. I am a "messy" by nature, he prefers tidiness and organization. I vent when something is bugging me, he is prone to bury it and keep on keeping on. As you might imagine, there were many years of "storming" before we reached some "norming" in our relationship.

A friend and fellow minister shared a pearl of wisdom with us many years ago. He said, "there will be times in your life when one of you is the race horse and one is the work horse and this will switch in different seasons. What is important is that you learn to COMPLETE one another and not COMPETE with one another." We have revisited this word from heaven on many occasions and reminded ourselves that what matters is loving and supporting each other as we seek to walk in obedience to God's call.

In the early years of our marriage, Jim was a pastor and youth leader and I was a stay at home mom. A former researcher and writer for a national television program, I loved my 24/7 unpaid job of forming the character of three amazing little girls, but sometimes struggled with feeling isolated and forgotten. When Jim would take a team of young people to Mexico for a mission trip, my part was to deal with broken down appliances or tires that always seemed to deflate after he departed. When I realized that this was my "work horse season" and training for future harvest, I could relax and enjoy the treasures God was giving me each day with Hannah, Abby and Grace. What a privilege I had to be with them as they grew in physical, mental and spiritual development. Our daughters are our great blessing from God.

Years later, when we worked together in ministry, we began a learning curve of understand and respecting one another's gifting and personality. I learned that setting an appointment with my husband to discuss a matter was much preferred by him than my popping in with my thoughts as "the spirit moved me." I also learned that a well written email was the superior form of communication at times. Agreeing on a start and end time for a delicate conversation helped us quite a bit, too. We try to never let the sun go down on our anger, and for the most part we have been successful. Practicing forgiveness is key. I am still perfecting this art!

As the Lord began to send us out to the nations together and separately, there was a new season of mentoring and fruitfulness as we sought to encourage national leaders in ministry and in their marriages. The things we learned in the difficult, stretching seasons were not only for our good and growth, but for sharing with those who looked to us to give input in their lives. This has been a great source of fulfillment as we see what happens when we share "warts and all" about some of our struggles and how the Lord came through in us, between us and through us.

As I enter into the next season of life and marriage, I continue to be amazed at this journey with Jesus and Jim Pennington. His faithfulness and discipline in prayer, fasting and Bible study have brought untold blessings to our lives and ministry.  We now have three amazing married daughters, three outstanding sons-in-law and four adorable grandchildren by God's grace. We have known the Lord in intimacy and in power. We have traveled to thirty some nations sharing His love. We look forward to the days ahead, enjoying them together.

Jim & Nancy with their four grandchildren (left to right: Henry, Eve, Lucy and Jack)

“O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup;

You maintain my lot.

The boundary lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;

Yes, I have a good inheritance.” Psalm 16:5-6

Check back on Thursday for Jim’s thoughts on 40 years of marriage and ministry!